The Consequences of Consequences
by Zephyr5
Summary: A shortish humour fic, rated for language and suggestion COMPLETE
1. Consequences

Rated R for language and suggestion

(Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Quistis, Irvine and Rinoa are sitting at a table 

in the cafeteria discussing what to do to pass the time.  Fujin and 

Seifer walk in.)

Zell suddenly comes up with an idea.  "Why don't we play consequences?" Quistis looks confused.  

"Zell, what are you talking about?"

"You remember consequences, don't you Quistis?  We used to play it all the time at the orphanage with matron."  Rinoa nervously puts a hand up.  

"Excuse me, but I wasn't there.  What's consequences?"  Zell, Irvine, Selphie and Quistis look surprised.

"You've never played consequences?"  Selphie asks.  Rinoa shakes her head.  

"I've never even heard of it."

"It's a nonsense game."  Squall explains.

"Oh."  Rinoa still looks confused.

"But we need eight people to play it."  Quistis points out.

"Hey"  Zell chuckles.  "No prob."  He stands up.  "Hey Seifer!"  Seifer and Fujin look in his direction.  

"What do you want Chickenwuss?"  Seifer growls back.

"Where's Raijin?"  Selphie asks.

"DETENTION"  Fujin replies.  She doesn't look unhappy at having Seifer

to herself.

"You wanna come play consequences?"  Selphie asks.  Seifer considers for a moment.  He grins evilly.  

"Sure, why not."  Fujin looks furious.  

"You can come too Fujin."  Selphie adds.  Seifer and Fujin join the group around the table.

"So what rules we playin with?"  Seifer asks.

"Normal."  Zell decides.  "Rinoa's never played before so we don't want

to make it too difficult."

"Yeah."  Rinoa points out.  "I don't even know normal rules.  What do 

we do?"  Seifer sniggers.  

"Well first we all gotta have some paper."  Zell stands.  "I'm goin, I'm goin."

"And pens!"  Seifer yells after him.  Quistis turns to Rinoa.  

"It's a mix-up game.  First everyone writes down a boy's name at the top.  It doesn't have to be anyone here, but it's more fun if it's someone everyone knows."

"So you could put Vinzer Deling, or Cid."  Seifer interrupts.  Quistis nods.  

"But you don't let anyone see what you've written.  You turn over the top of the paper so it's hidden.  When everyone's written a name down, you pass your paper to the person next to you."

"BORING"  Fujin yawns.

"Nah."  Seifer disagrees.  "The best bit's the end."

"The end?"  Rinoa asks.

"Yeah."  Seifer grins again.  "At the end everyone gets to open the 

paper they've got.  Then ya have to read them out."

Zell has finally returned with a large sheaf of paper and a handful of pens.  "You explained the rules already?"  He asks.  Everyone nods.  "Alright!"  He passes paper out and hands around the pens.  "The first thing you gotta write..."  He begins.

"Is a boy's name!"  Seifer interrupts.  "So you can't put Zell!"  He  adds.  Zell fumes.  

"Enough Seifer."  Quistis snaps.  Surprisingly he subsides.  Everyone writes down a name and folds over the paper.

"Pass it to the person on your left.  And don't peek!"  Zell warns.

"Aw shut up Chickenwuss.  Just tell Rinoa what to write next."  Seifer

grumbles.

"Next you write a girl's name."  Zell announces.  Everyone does so, folds over the paper and passes it on.  "Now you write a place name.  It can be as general or specific as you want."  Zell continues.  Again everyone does so, folds the paper and passes it on.  "Now write down what the boy said.  Then what the girl said."  Zell adds when everyone has their paper.  "What he gave to her, then what she gave to him."  Zell continues, hurriedly scribbling down his own sentences on the paper.

"Then you write down the consequences of everything that happened."

Seifer sniggers.  The papers are finally passed back to Zell.  He mixes them up, and then hands them back out.

"Who's going to read theirs out first?"  Selphie asks.  Zell shrugs.  

"I guess Squall can start."  Squall slowly unfolds his paper, his eyebrows rising higher and higher as he reads it.  When he reaches the bottom he actually laughs.

"Seifer."  He begins.  "I think your cheating backfired."  Seifer looks indignant.  

"I wasn't cheating."  He protests.  Squall's eyebrows rise higher.

"Seifer met Rinoa in a train."  He begins.  Seifer sniggers.  "He said, 'do you remember me?' and she said 'I'm going to kill you for that'."  Seifer doesn't look surprised.  "He gave her nothing.  She gave him her undying devotion."  Squall continues.  Rinoa and Zell, closest to him, notice him start to blush.  "The consequence..."  He clears his throat.  "She rode him so hard he died, keeping her original promise, before returning to the man she really loved."  Seifer looks furious.  

"Give that here!"  He demands.  His face turns red with anger as he realises his mistake.  Zell and Irvine laugh.  

"Who's next?"  Selphie demands.

"Rinoa."  Zell manages.

"Alright."  Rinoa unfolds her paper.  She clears her throat.  "Squall met Fujin in Balamb Hotel.  He said 'hello' and she said 'I love you'"  Fujin blushes.

"UNTRUE"  She declares.  Selphie laughs.

"None of it's true Fujin.  It's all made up."  She explains.

"He gave her a funny look and she gave him the cold shoulder."  Rinoa continues.  "The consequence was that they both ended up in trouble."

"That was boring."  Seifer yawns.  "Your turn Selphie."

"Yay!"  Selphie squeals.  "Okay."  She unfolds the paper.  After studying it for a moment she looks up.  "I'm reading this as it's written, okay."  Everyone nods, intrigued.  "Chickenwuss - sorry Zell but that's what it says here - met Quistis in the flower fields."  She pauses to lick her lips.  "He said 'hiya gorgeous' and she said 'no'."  Selphie frowns.  "That doesn't make sense."

"So carry on."  Zell rolls his eyes at her.

"He gave her a disbelieving look and she gave him a slap."  Quistis giggles.  Everyone else turns surprised stares on her and she blushes.  "The consequence was that they got together, left Garden and lived happily ever after."  

"Another boring one."  Seifer yawns again.  "Now who is it?"

"Irvine."  Zell announces, picking the next person in the group.

"Okay."  Irvine slowly opens the paper with an exaggerated flourish.  "Seifer met Rinoa."  Seifer sniggers again.  "In the orphanage."

"Get to the point Irvine!"  Zell exclaims.

"He said 'I promise I will be here'."  Everyone looks at Rinoa who blushes.  "She said 'I love trains'."  Selphie giggles as everyone turns to stare at her.  "He gave her a smouldering look.  She gave him a fight."  

"Get a move on Irvine."  Quistis sighs.

"The consequence was..."  Irvine pauses dramatically.

"ENOUGH ALREADY!"  Fujin exclaims, aiming a kick at him under the

table.  

"OW!"  Zell exclaims as Fujin misses and hits him instead.

"She ended up stalking away, leaving him behind."  Irvine finishes.

"These are all boring!"  Seifer exclaims.  "Am I the only one who knows

how to play this convincingly?"  He asks.

"Me next."  Zell unfolds his paper.  As he scans it he bursts into laughter.  Everyone stares at him.  "This..."  He gasps.  "Is a good one!"  Rinoa rolls her eyes.

"So tell us!  Tell us!"  Selphie exclaims.

"Irvine met..."  Zell pauses for effect.  "Seifer!"

"Let me see that!"  Seifer shouts, reaching for the paper.  Zell jumps backwards, hiding behind Quistis.

"It gets better!"  He exclaims.  "They met in the Secret area.  He - Irvine - said, 'your dorm or mine?'."

"Give that here!"  Irvine shouts.  Zell ducks behind Quistis again.

"She - ah, Seifer - said 'who the hell are you calling a girl - we all know snipers take it in the ass.'"  Zell continues.  "He gave her nothing but she gave him a kiss."  Zell smirks at Seifer.  "Tongues was it?"  He asks.  Seifer jumps to his feet muttering curses at Zell.

"The way you're acting, Seifer, we'll start to think it's true."  Squall calmly interrupts.  Seifer swings around to stare at Squall.

"Are you asking for another scar?!"  He demands.  Squall stares calmly back.  

"Only if you are."  He points out.  Seifer sits, still muttering curses at Zell.

"What was the consequence?"  Selphie asks.

"One of them got bored and left."  Zell sniggers.

"Your turn Quistis."  Irvine pointed out.  Quistis unfolds the paper, reading it slowly and frowning at one point.

"Alright."  She clears her throat and pushes her glasses back up her nose.  "Irvine met Selphie in the training centre..."

"Yippee!"  Selphie exclaims, leaping onto Irvine.

"This really doesn't make sense, even for consequences..."  Quistis points out.

"Aw, instructor..."  Seifer pauses and frowns.  "Are you blushing?"  Quistis frowns back at him.  

"I am not."  Seifer guffaws.

"You are so blushing!"  Quistis's face is getting redder as her blush deepens.  "Hey Chickenwuss - you can see it, what does it say?"  He points at the paper in Quistis's hand.  She quickly hides it.

"It says that he said 'Are you finished talking yet' and she said 'Yours'"  She raises an eyebrow pointedly in Seifer's direction.  "I think you know what comes next..."  Seifer smirks.

"I just want you to talk dirty to me..."  Quistis frowns in disgust.

"So what does it say?!"  Zell demands.  Selphie and Irvine are too engrossed in each other to notice what's going on.

"He gave her a good licking, she gave him a detention, they got together and lived happily ever after in Garden."  Seifer grins.

"See, wasn't so hard eh Quisty?"  She glares sullenly at him.  Zell shrugs.

"They usually work out better than this."  He explains to Rinoa, who is frowning in confusion.

"Alright!"  Seifer exclaims, unfolding his paper.  "My turn."  He sniggers as he reads the paper.  "Aw, Squally-boy met our beloved Instructor in the dorms."  He leers at Squall and Quistis in turn.  Squall raises an eyebrow at him.  "Squall said 'He wants to fuck instructor Quistis senseless'!"  Seifer yells into the noise of the cafeteria.  Everything goes quiet and everyone looks in Squall's direction.  Seifer looks at Quistis's expression, throws back his head and laughs.  Squall suddenly lunges across the table and punches Seifer in the jaw.  Seifer falls backwards off the chair and Zell starts laughing, only to be chased by Fujin.  He hides behind Selphie and Irvine, who are staring in bewilderment at the scene.  Seifer picks himself up off the floor, face crimson with fury.  He walks round the table to Squall and throws a return punch.  Squall dodges, grabbing Seifer's arm and twisting it up behind his back.

"If you don't want me to tell everyone in all the Gardens about that security footage, I suggest you find a way to take that statement back."  Seifer goes white.  Somewhat shakily, he makes his way back to his seat and picks it up.

"Hah!  Now I know how to get some peace and quiet around here!"  He flashes a forced smirk around, eyeing Squall warily.  The conversations in the cafeteria start up again as people dismiss it as another of Seifer's stunts.

"OW!"  Zell exclaims as Fujin kicks him in the shin.  He mutters to himself as she goes back to her seat.  Seifer's paper is lying on the table, and Selphie picks it up.

"Well,"  She clears her throat.  "She said hello, and he gave her his ring – aw sweet!"  She exclaims.  "She gave him a rendition of the train song, and he persevered and managed to win her affections."  A sappy grin spreads across her face and she turns back to Irvine.  "Isn't that a sweet one Irvy?"  Everyone around the table rolls their eyes.

"Well Fujin," Zell announces.  "Your turn."  Fujin unfolds the paper and scans it.

"SQUALL.  SELPHIE.  GALBADIA GARDEN."  There's a pause as everyone fills in the missing words.  "BE SENSITIVE.  LOVE.  STD."  Seifer sniggers before everyone else then sees Squall's expression and shuts up.  "BORING."  Zell frowns.

"The consequence was 'boring'?  Ow!"  He yelps as Fujin kicks him again.  "I'm not Raijin ya know!  Quit kicking me!"

"She means the consequence was 'He had to stay behind writing 'I should give my instructor a present when I see her' five hundred times'."  Squall filled in.

"Hah!"  Seifer exclaims.  "You would write something like that as a consequence Leonhart!"  Quistis and Zell share a look of sudden comprehension.

"Well, I guess that game of consequences was interesting enough.  Anyone want to play again?"  Zell looks around and realises that only Quistis is listening.  Selphie and Irvine have vanished - no guessing where and why.  He grimaces at the images that spring to mind.  Fujin has vanished - probably to find Raijin, Zell thinks, looking at the time.  Rinoa has vanished - Zell remembers hearing her decide to go walk Angelo, and Squall and Seifer are having one of their arguments - no guessing where that'll end up.

"Um, Zell, I have to take a class into the training centre for the first time, but I'm short an experienced SeeD..."  Quistis looks hopefully at him.  Zell nods and they both leave Squall and Seifer arguing in the cafeteria.


	2. Consequences CENSORED

Rated R for suggestion

~ Some time later: Squall's dorm ~

"You wouldn't really show anyone that footage, would you?"  Seifer asks anxiously.

"Private paying audiences only..."  Squall teases him.  Seifer sits up and frowns at Squall.  Squall looks like he's genuinely considering the idea.  Seifer, desperate to find a way to distract Squall from the suggestion, stands up and walks over to him.  He reaches down and grabs Squall's [CENSORED].

"Seifer!"  Squall hisses in [CENSORED].

"Hmm?"  Seifer mutters.

"I've told you before, don't [CENSORED], without my permission."  Seifer grins.

"Sorry master."  He doesn't release his grip on Squall's [CENSORED].

"Seifer!"  Squall groans and puts a hand to his forehead in [CENSORED].  Seifer

finally lets go of Squall's [CENSORED].

"You really should relax you know.  It makes [CENSORED] you so much easier."  Squall shrugs feeling [CENSORED] run over his skin as Seifer walks round behind him.  "Where's the [CENSORED]?"  

"In the top drawer on the right."  Seifer rummages around in the drawer.

"Got it."  He announces.  "Hmm, [CENSORED].  I thought you only liked [CENSORED]?"  Squall shrugs again, hiding a grin.  

"I thought I'd try something different, just for you."  Seifer tilts his head to one side, grinning whilst he holds the [CENSORED].

"I'm touched.  Now, where's the [CENSORED]?"  Squall turns around, frowning.

"You should know, by now."  Seifer smirks and [CENSORED] Squall.

"It's your [CENSORED] making me forget."  He walks around Squall who [CENSORED] as he goes past.  Seifer [CENSORED] stopping dead in his tracks at Squall's [CENSORED].

"My [CENSORED]?"  Squall asks [CENSORED].  "Why do you say that?  Your memory never was very good."  Seifer [CENSORED].

"I remember this perfectly well... "

[PARAGRAPH CENSORED]

Finally, both covered in [CENSORED], Seifer and Squall fall asleep, only to wake to a room that is [CENSORED], and takes four days to clean up.

AN: *sniggers*  Curious?  Should I do a 'Consequences Uncensored?' ;P  It will be a humour fic if I do, cause that's the vein this was written in.


	3. Consequences UNCENSORED

Rated R for suggestion

~ Some time later: Squall's dorm ~

"You wouldn't really show anyone that footage, would you?"  Seifer asks anxiously.

"Private paying audiences only..."  Squall teases him.  Seifer sits up and frowns at Squall.  Squall looks like he's genuinely considering the idea.  Seifer, desperate to find a way to distract Squall from the suggestion, stands up and walks over to him.  He reaches down and grabs Squall's biro.

"Seifer!"  Squall hisses in irritation.

"Hmm?"  Seifer mutters.

"I've told you before, don't use my stuff, without my permission."  Seifer grins.

"Sorry master."  He doesn't release his grip on Squall's biro.

"Seifer!"  Squall groans and puts a hand to his forehead in resignation.  Seifer finally lets go of Squall's biro.

"You really should relax you know.  It makes sharing a dorm with you so much easier."  Squall shrugs feeling goosebumps run over his skin as Seifer walks round behind him.  "Where's the biro I *can* use?"  

"In the top drawer on the right."  Seifer rummages around in the drawer.

"Got it."  He announces.  "Hmm, blue ink.  I thought you only liked black?"  Squall shrugs again, hiding a grin.  

"I thought I'd try something different, just for you."  Seifer tilts his head to one side, grinning whilst he holds the biro.

"I'm touched.  Now, where's the paper?"  Squall turns around, frowning.

"You should know, by now."  Seifer smirks and laughs at Squall.

"It's your GF, Quezacotl making me forget."  He walks around Squall who bends over and picks up the black biro as he goes past.  Seifer gets the paper and returns, stopping dead in his tracks at Squall's expression.

"My GF?"  Squall asks curiously.  "Why do you say that?  Your memory never was very good."  Seifer grins.

"I remember this perfectly well... "

He drops the biro and paper, and picks up a feather pillow, attacking Squall with it and shouting 'defend yourself!'.  Squall picks up another feather pillow, and returns the attack.  Both pillows eventually burst and feathers fly everywhere.  Undeterred they both pick up another pillow and keep fighting.  Feathers start to stick to them, but they keep going until the pillows burst once more.  There is only one pillow left, and they end up fighting a tug of war over the one remaining pillow.  It rips, and a final explosion of feathers fills the room.

Finally, both covered in feathers and exhausted, Seifer and Squall fall asleep, only to wake to a room that is white with feathers, and takes four days to clean up.

AN: *giggles* I added this as a chapter to 'The Consequences of Consequences' to stop people reading it first and spoiling the fun.  Just goes to show how a few well-placed [CENSORED]'s and a dirty mind can alter the entire content of a fic... :)


End file.
